Diary

Love on the Cusp of Goodbyes [Date - 09-11-2024]

There’s something about goodbyes that just makes me feel hollow. Growing up, I never knew how to express (or receive) love, so I always had a bitter sweet relationship with it. Love is a little more complicated than that in the sense that you are always surrounded by it, more so when you think you don’t deserve any of it.

Being the kind of person I am, it took me forever to realise just how much I was surrounded by love, I just never had the ability to see it. There’s a small catch to this - it all seems to go well till it’s time to say goodbye.

There’s something beautiful about unexpressed love that makes you overcompensate for love you didn’t act on before. There’s guilt, there’s closure and there’s hope that things are the same, even though you promise you’ll be better at expressing it moving forward. Each glance on your loved one invokes an emotion you never had before.

Unexpressed love comes in all shapes and sizes. You can see it in your parents when they’re packing more “food” just so you never feel homesick. It is in that extra “long” hug at airports and stations, and in that “one last walk” at farewell parties. Nothing can ever prepare you for this hollow feeling, and no amount of “last minute” love can make up for it.

That’s beautiful in its own way. The guilt, or the grief means that there’s always going to be a part of them in you. It’s just so beautiful how emotions work. The only way you make sure someone’s memory always stays with you is to have some pain attached to it.

Will [Date - 11-10-2024]

One of the key areas I worked on is understanding the importance of will. I’ve always been an ambitious person, and have often taken up goals which have at that time seemed impossible. I’ve achieved many of my goals, and have failed a lot more. I’ve learned a lot of shortcomings from my failures, but have gained a lot of wisdom from my wins. Goals are two edged sword, because they make you both confident and entitled - and that is a really interesting combination. Goals and accomplishments seldom come with a survivorship bias tag, and that’s ever scary.

Even in my limited sample space of goals I’ve accomplished, I’ve realised most of the time, I’ve been driven by factors that just didn’t feel right in the long run. Any claims of “I’ll feel contempt once I reach the top” didn’t age well for me. You can’t always wait for the “next big thing” to start living on your terms. Life’s too short for that!

As per my understanding, Will is very different from Goal. Goals are often driven by a motive - a desire to achieve results. Will, on the other hand springs out of nothingness - it is just there.

Most of the time in life, we chase goals on the sole basis of what results they give, what we gain from it. Will is a lot trickier to explain - it is just there, and we actually need to find it, and that’s the difficult part. How can you find something when you don’t even know what it is? Without will, something will feel a little empty. You will have all the accomplishments and material possessions in the world, but without a will driving it, you’ll be patching temporary fixes to justify your satisfaction of your goals.

Finding will is the most difficult part. You need to go on a long and exhausting journey of self discovery - which in the beginning will feel very confusing and unnecessary, but it is actually important to understand your fulfillment needs. The fear of missing out on things to pursue what you like seems a lot selfish, and at times wasteful but I strongly believe the opportunity cost of fulfillment far outweighs the endless pursuit of accomplishments.

Life’s always been about understanding yourself and giving back to people you love. Pursuing what you want from life is the greatest form of self love you can practice.

The Right Time [Date - 21-09-2024]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt left behind in my life. When I was in school, I thought everyone else had their shit sorted out, and in college this feeling multiplied. Even though multiple people have told me that I’m good/on the right path, I never felt it. Most of the things they “knew”, I “discovered” were pretty late. I was a late bloomer in many areas of life. In areas where I was “early”, I tried to compensate for the areas where I was “late”.

If you try to optimise your life, you would want to know the exact way to deal with whatever situation life throws at you - Oh I was it was that easy. Growing up, I realised if you try to live your life in that way, you are setting yourself up for failure. It sounds counter intuitive, but life is not something that is optimised, it is experienced.

Experiences like these make life worth living. No two people are the same, and your ability to create the best life for yourself is the biggest and most important project you’ll ever get to work on. Imagine having an infinite canvas to showcase your art and you draw what everyone else is drawing.

In life, you’ll most likely make your decisions which your future self will be held accountable for. Your ability to craft out your life in those circumstances makes you fulfilled. You are going to make mistakes, not because you are under-prepared, but because you are human.

Once you start seeing obstacles as growth opportunities, you’ll always feel contempt in choices you make in life. The right doors will open if you seek out.

This was an eye-opener for me. There is no “right time” and you are never “late” for anything in life. You create your life with what you have, and your life canvas should be a testament to that. Your canvas should be a representation of you - your suffering, your happiness, your shortcomings, your successes and most importantly your experiences. If you craft your life experiences through other people’s lenses, you will regret decisions you never made in the first place.

The Cost of Living Life Freely [Date - 03-09-2024]

I’ve lived most of my life some or the other dilemma. Questions like “What if I lose X if I chase Y” are really anxiety inducing for me. I’ve lived through life being scared by something or other that I forgot to extract happiness out of small things in life. Life had always been about chase X then chase Y and then chase Z and so on… I only thought of life as a series of achievements and thought that the only thing that is stopping me from achieving greatness is hard work. A deadly combo for life, but a feast for my anxiety.

I’ve had several experiences in life to formulate that this is not always the case. Life is not a zero sum game, and to live life on your own terms is a choice, not a luxury. The truth is that there is no safety net protecting you, and anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional. There is no roadmap to life - and that is both scary and exciting. You get to experience things that no one has ever done, but at the same time you are scared because it is overwhelming. In this absurdity that is life, always having a myopic view and going into avenues where things seem comfortable(and always protecting your “peace”) is a very un-entertaining way to live life. You get this chance only once, and if you are lucky, you get to spend around 4000 weeks on this planet. The opportunity cost to live life on your own terns is really low, but the only pre-requisite is that you have to actively seek it.

We are often scared to face the reality as it is very different from our expectations. The confrontation is hard, so the trivial remedy for it is ignorance. There is a saying that ignorance is bliss, but the problem with ignorance is that it compounds the feeling when we confront it in the future. Keep bottling things up and one day it’ll burst with a loud bang.

To live life, enjoy the overall human experience. Go out, have fun, work on things you like and always seek happiness in the discomfort life gives you.

Love is an act of giving even when you are starved [Date - 09-05-2024]

I guess there is a lot of work already being done romanticizing the beautiful aspects of love, for love is both in the boats of pain and pleasure.

Experiencing love is scary, it is putting your frivolous needs in the driver seat. Love is an appraisal of value, and that at times comes at the cost of realizing that someone other than you is important. For people who are not used to being vulnerable(at the “cost” of compassion), this is very scary. The logical question, in that situation often spirals down to “Why show your weakness?”

Love is messy, I’ve talked about it a lot. I is often very easy to not get vulnerable because the only person who can’t hurt you is only you, so, logically, the saying “expect disappointment and you’ll never be disappointment” fits a little too well.

But love is illogical. You do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Standing with your arms open and set forth your vulnerability shows strength. Surely it seems illogical but it isn’t. Getting used to the fact that your appraisal of love is not determined by someone’s inability to see it takes a lot of resilience.

Love is just unfledged version of responsibility. Ego love is based on expectations and authentic love is based on selflessness, but responsibility is gratuitous. For me, Love is an act of giving even when you are starved.

Love is endless if you seek it with pure intentions, but don’t get scared later if it evolves into responsibility. Love requires effort and dedication, and although it can be overwhelming at times, but for soldiers of love, it’s just another day at the office of absurdity.

What if love never finds us? [Date - 01-04-2024]

No, like seriously - what if love never finds you? It’s a stupid question to ask, but a difficult one to answer. Love is messy, it’s awful, but still we chase it a lot. Most love is just there, but to receive it, is a privilege. It hurts you a lot, even unintentionally, even when you pursue it with the purest of intentions. Even in the most nurturing conditions, you can experience Lingchi. But still, we pursue it.

We are complex creatures, there are many things we do that make sense, but some things just don’t. Even in the strangest, to the most vile environments, we can find hope. Perseverance. That’s human. You can say all that you don’t deserve love, but you do. Love is not superficial - it is thorough. It has power to both keep you afloat, or make you sink deep into its trenches - but it will not keep you dry. Love on its own is intrinsic, but if it includes other feelings, things get a lot messy - whether it is ego, or expectation, or judgment.

The good news is that Love will find you. Maybe not in the form you expect, because it is much deeper than that. It shows when you least expect it, but the only way to ensure you receive it, is to just give it. It’s a contagious chain reaction.

Past Lives [Date - 08-03-2024]

“In another universe, I would’ve loved doing laundry and taxes with you”. This seemingly simple dialogue is heavy. The lives we live are catastrophically chaotic. When we were young, things were simple, or at least seemed simple. As we grew older, things started changing rapidly. Everything that was naive, is now ruined somehow? Every preconceived notion seems to degrade, and so does, very little by little, our worldview. Adulthood is scary. It always keeps you on your toes and keeps reminding you that everything you have is temporary. It’s damn scary. Relationships are what help us make sense of this spaghetti. They give us hope that even if everything changes in this world, what I have with them will be there.It’s that sense of security that makes people hold on to them.

You can’t define people because a definition binds them to being unchanged - we are dynamic species. Nature is chaotic, and embracing it is the best we can do to keep peace with ourselves. But it’s really scary. You have to realize that everything around you is to a large extent relying on some seemingly small notion. Everything can crumble at any moment - but it doesn’t. Focus on the “not-crumbling part”, not the “it could crumble” part. It’s hard, but needs to be done.

Everyone wants to go back to simpler times, but no one wants to take a deep breath, believe in themselves, and take that leap of faith. Be happy, I know even though it is hard.

Childhood Conversations [Date - 18-02-2024]

A lot of time has passed since I’ve sat down and enjoyed the warm sunny breeze in winter afternoons, and even longer since I’ve watched a show or eaten something peacefully. Life is pretty fast and there’s no catching up to it. If you are lucky, you will cherish the memories in retrospect or you will make yourself believe that those memories are golden. For every person who loves to romanticize life, was once in a rut and wanted to live the best life. For every poet who loves to find beauty in the passage of time, was once trying to make sense of life through literature. We all become a version of what we thought we would become - just that not everything is there. The earlier picture was much simpler, and now it just has too many moving parts. An actor is someone who pretends they are content, and a painter is just someone who calls the mess an art.

For what is the use of that child-like innocence when people take advantage of you. We all live our lives shielding our inner selves to the atrocities of the world, failing to realize the shield also leaves scars - and that too deep ones.

There’s nothing we can do, O there’s nothing we can do.

The Life in Review Interview [Date - 15-01-2024]

Life seems like a movie that feels like it is building up to something beautiful. There’s always something to look forward to - and the best part about life is that it always gives you a fresh start every 24 hours. From the eyes of the protagonist, having to live all of those 24 hours doing something “heroic” feels a bit overwhelming. Having something always to look forward to sometimes places less importance to what we have now.

That’s life. On surface it seems like there should always be something to look forward to, but mostly it’s a game of chase - and that too the wrong one. Chase is good when what you are getting from it is a felling of achievement, not feeling of relief. This is the reason why so many people tend to feel lost when they have achieved their goals, because what they were chasing was a feeling.

Imagine having to sit down for an interview at the end of your life having to describe yourself, maybe giving a life in review interview, and all you had was a mixed bag of unprocessed emotions and achievements, which at this point, even you can’t feel connected to - and I don’t think that is something someone should strive for. Your life in review should a collection of memories at which you can laugh, cry or get embarrassed in retrospect, it is more about you as a person than about your armor of possession you have to shield you from your true self. Life is way too short for waiting for the next big thing to happen - create it yourself. Go out there and do some main character shit.

Letter to Myself on my 21 Birthday [Date - 19-11-2023]

Life has been a big roller coaster for me. Although on the surface it doesn’t seem like much, a fair share of my “life lessons” seem very obvious. So, on the day I turn 21, I would like to share with you 21 so-called lessons(or advice) that have helped me a lot. The playlist for the same is linked at the bottom, so you can always listen to these life lessons 😙

01. Lose Yourself(Eminem) : Life is actually really short. We often think too much about our decision and the long term implications it might have, without ever fully enjoying the present. Depression is caring too much about the past, and anxiety is caring too much about the future. Relax a little. Find your purpose in life, and immerse yourself completely in that craft. You get only 1 shot at life, so make most of it.
02. All Time Low(Jon Bellion) : Without the highs and lows, life would be very boring and mundane. The problem however is that we often weigh the lows way more than the highs - and that makes sense, but what we need is a little change or perspective. We should try to find silver linings in the darkest of the clouds and not be too hard on ourselves. Sometimes time heals the deepest of wounds, and even when there is a small chance of happiness - latch onto it.
03. Silence(Khalid, Marshmello) : My mind is mostly a constant mess, and dealing with a mess is not a very rewarding process - but an absolutely important task. Silence keeps me sane most of the time(although I really like to vent out as well). Distracting myself to not listen to my own thoughts is a patchy solution, and not something I like to do. Accept yourself, and be at peace with it.You will be surprised how rewarding this simple exercise is, and with time, you’ll get a lot better at untangling complex things.
04. Attention(Charlie Puth) : It’s all you need. It is one of our most valuable assets and judicious use of it will work wonders for you. Do what makes you happy. You’ve only got around 4000 weeks of this amazing life, and it is too short to waste on things that you don’t like. When something is out of your control, try to find different reasons to enjoy life. Be crazy when it comes to things you love and focus on things that makes you happy(and not too much on small things)
05. Let me down slowly(Alec Benjamin) : I think I am a very sensitive person, and I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t deal with too much at a time. Take your time with people, emotions and situations if you feel that is necessary. Most of life is trying to understand yourself, and the better you get at it, the better things get in life. Practice - “La dolce far niente”(the sweet taste of doing nothing). Not everything in life is measured in achievements, most of the time you can substitute achievements for memories.
06. There’s nothing holding me back(Shawn Mendes) : Confidence has been a really tricky domain for me due to the duality of this trait. Confidence has the ability to make you go from top of the world to the bottom of the mariana trench in a matter of seconds. I have always believed that confidence as a placeholder for lack of knowledge - and boy was I wrong. Confidence comes naturally. You absolutely don’t need to “fake” it. Give yourself an environment where confidence grows naturally - then literally nothing can hold you back. One quote that has always stuck with me was “Confidence is Silent, and Insecurities are Loud”. Think if you are worried about your confidence or your insecurities.
07. Beautiful mistakes(Maroon 5) : Mistakes are absolutely necessary in order to grow. I’ve spent way too much time setting myself on some seriously high standards and not allowing myself to commit mistakes and needless to stay, that took a very big toll on myself. Try and fail at different things, but with each attempt, increase your optimism(and enthusiasm) level. You will be shocked just how powerful this small thing is. There’s no award at the finishing line of life, so don’t be your worst critic and go out there and learn from your experiences and mistakes. Commit beautiful mistakes.
08. Could’ve just left me alone(Alexa Cappelli) : I’m not someone who makes friends very easily. Self peace is really important for me, and with time I’ve become more acquainted with how and why I set up boundaries. I value deep connections more than shallow ones, and if that means I bring the Dunbar number down - so let it be. For me, getting used to myself, my quirks and building a great personal relationship with myself was my number one priority. Being unapologetically yourself and being comfortable and true with yourself will save a lot of mental effort to deal with shallow people.
09. I Ain’t worried(One Republic) : Life is still very scary for me. I have to constantly deal with way too many unknowns and I used to believe I have to somehow completely “solve” life so I don’t have to deal with uncertainties. Now that I have experienced a good chunk of life, I can safely confirm that it is completely idealistic. Find your sources of strength and live your life by keeping your head high. Be a little empathetic towards yourself.
10. Good things fall apart(Jon Bellion) : This is a really important lesson one needs to learn - however bitter it may seem. I know what it means to give all and still fail, but that’s life. Even if you’re born with a silver spoon, life has a way to teach you a lesson. Dealing with failures and trying to make the best out of the situation is a really important weapon in your arsenal. There are no roadmaps to life, and however scary it sounds - that is the reality(or thrill) of life. We heal and deal in our own ways. Make sure your tools are well polished and not rusty.
11. Mystery of Love(Sufjan Stevens) : Love works in mysterious ways. However cinema-ish it may sound, it will happen naturally - you just need to listen to yourself a little. Love is complex. You become both vulnerable and strong, at the same ; you learn a lot about yourself as well. Don’t rush too much. Take your time. Love will find you and hold onto you when you least expect it.
12. Spend some time alone inside my head(Philip Brooks) : Spending time with yourself can build a really strong interpersonal relationship which will help you a lot in sustaining future relationships. Do anything that helps you clear out your mind - be it meditation, talking to someone, walking. Clarity is not something you are born with, but it is something you get really good at throughout your adult life. The happier you are with yourself, the quickly you can figure out how to make others happy as well. Be positive with yourself, and cut yourself some slack.
13. Everything I wanted(Billie Eilish) : When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut, in sixth grade I wanted to be a footballer, and after tenth it turned out to be a scientist. The definition of what everything I wanted from life has been evolving daily. I have tried previously to push myself very hard for glory by attaching my self worth to achievements, and it turns out(surprise, surprise) it is not really a good thing to chase. Now I want completely different things from life, and I’m sure within some time I might be able to do it.
14. Hopeless(Connor Price) : Hope is a really touchy topic for me. I have been hopeless in many situations in life, but(although, it took a lot of time and analysis) I’ve never really lost hope. Questions like Will it hurt my pride? Why do I have to depend on others ? have really been fundamental to my understanding of myself. My advice is, never lose hope. Even if it is 0.001% , count on it.
15. Night Changes(One Direction) : Time changes everyone and everything. The best thing about life is that it will always give you second chances. Choose your battles, and fight if you think it is worth it. Nothing is permanent, and however bad you think the situation is, night changes. You might not be able to change the situation, but a little change of perspective and making the best out of the situation will make you more adaptable.
16. Accidents(Haux) : Accidents have been really blissful for me. I am really grateful for many things that have happened to me just because I was at the right place at the right time. Whether it was meeting new people, thinking about some random ideas or talking to people about their life experiences-a fortunate stroke of serendipity has really blessed my life. Life works in mysterious ways. Instead of questioning about why and how, just say thank you and move on.
17. It’s okay if you forget me(Astrid S) : Don’t pressure yourself into being someone who you are not. You don’t want to live your life on someone else’s path - however scary it may sound. That’s why I don’t like role models - they try to romanticize life’s journey, something I believe is a job for oneself. Life is too short to measure in materialistic achievements, once you should try measuring in moments. I realized a year back that I was putting too much pressure on myself to be someone, and believed the only difference was some delta amount of hard work. However good that sounds, that is just not true. Don’t bind yourself. Live freely.
18. Perceive(Doma Cyno) : In life, there will be many scenarios where you have to choose between the conventional societal option or something else. This pull of societal standards is really tempting - since the moment you are born, in some way or another, there are some unnecessary expectations that are forced upon you. People perceive you a certain way, and will continue to do so and will find some or other hook to latch onto. The lesson is to just not listen to it. These young adulthood years are very necessary for defining and creating your own image. Take pride in it.
19. Be Sweet(Japanese Breakfast) : It’s that simple. People don’t bite, so you might as well be sweet to those who deserve it. Kindness and humility are qualities which people take advantage of the most, there’s no reason to stop practicing that. Being a good person is 100 times more difficult than being a good professional, and is an acquired skill. Focus on being a better person, and many doors will open automatically for you.
20. In the End(Linkin Park) : Finally, don’t take things too seriously. I like to think of failures as setbacks, and setbacks as plot points. I know my worth, and I know things will align for me one way or another. In the end, milestones will make you happy for a day or two, but enjoying the journey will give you memories for a lifetime. Take a chill pill dude. Relax and soak it all in.
21. Hell of a Life(Kanye West) : Do I think I’ve lived a ‘hell of a life’ - absolutely yes. Many experiences, meeting with many people and with many failures and little success, I think I’ve lived a really good life till now. There were many mistakes that I made, and I’m glad I did. There is so much more to live, to learn and to love. I hope I keep getting better and be more comfortable with myself. Cheers to what is about to happen.

Listen to all of lessons in a Spotify playlist here.

playlist

Will AI ever shade their child when they are sleeping ? [Date - 17-09-2023]

A lot has been said about the capabilities that AI can have in the near future, but can it do what we humans experience everyday?

There are a lot of things that we humans ignore about what makes us special. We don’t notice it too often, but we care about others. We are just wired that way. We are social animals - and we get our energy and motivation from others, and we can do more than we can imagine if we have support with us. AI are more-or-less just smart deduction agents. We are brave enough to follow our heart, and even braver to do something that our hearts tell us not to. We are powerful enough to fight others to protect our family, and weak enough to break down through words. Mothers, doctors, and many professions are made around having to care for our fellow humans. We might not go out of our way to help others, but sometimes our actions can give strength to someone in need. Imagine thousands of years of evolution worth of wisdom that these care have brought us. From the early times of pyramids to modern times of development, the collective manpower of humanity vastly outperforms what was predicted by statisticians throughout the history of this world.

Being someone who is really into technology, sometimes I truly ponder whether AI can actually replace humans. Can they really care for a child with the love that mothers have for their children? Can they tell from the cry of the baby whether they are hungry or they want something to play with or they need to poo? Can they shade their children away from the sun so that they can sleep in peace? Can they truly understand what it means to have a child? What sacrifices are, what are the hardships mothers have to make, or are they really just guided by instructions? You can’t train goal centric models to deviate from their task, and work on an seemingly unrelated and unimportant task. However good the agents are, and however good the model of the real world is, the emotional qualities and the work we do for each other is infinite. Infinite unconditional situations that cannot be dealt with for efficiency? Leave that.

Arguments like these are somewhat binary in my opinion. It deals in absolutes, rather than in discretes, but these questions need to be asked from a philosophical point of view to test whether machines are actually intelligent or not. They might be really good at manipulating logic, but certainly, that is not what intelligence is. These should be the benchmark of ‘intelligent’ systems. What qualities should these systems have? Can we find a way to ‘measure’ the qualitative features - cause that is what is required to make these systems. Just one equation to fully describe how emotions work(and when to use what), and we are one step closer to AGI, otherwise make AI to do your menial task, cause it will boost your productivity.

Emotional intelligence is not something that can be learned or something arises from a rule based approach. Surely, if these are considered, humans are way too intelligent, despite all good or bad that we have done in our entire lives. Machines don’t know what confidence is? They don’t know what jealousy, love, shame, pride are? They don’t know how to deal with breakups, how to obsess, how to do something despite the odds… I can go on and on about these, it will be a non-exhaustible list, but these qualities cannot be replicated by AI, however good they become in the future, unless of course there is some massive change in my understanding of the world.