Note: I wrote this on the eve of Valentine’s day with a subtle glitter in my eyes about the prospect of love.

Love

I’ve been told I have a very nihilistic take on love. All of my opinions have been dismissed as something who has never experienced love would say. I mean, for those who are in love say it is the best feeling in the world - why would someone with “little experience” would dismiss it.

I would slightly deviate, but this time for a reasonably good reason.

I’ve had not very good interactions when it comes to love. I’ve been heartbroken on countless occasion, but most of it has to do with me than with any other person. By the book, I’ve done all the mistakes a person can do when it comes to these things, but it feels really “against my natural self” when I try to do reach out for love. I suffer more in imagination, but the reality is not very far from it. This is something I’ve realised recently - my minds’ - “I told ya” hurts more than the actual experience. I do all these stupid analysis in my head to be in control of the situation, but it really doesn’t work out.

My mind really likes to do this - to protect me from these situations. It fears my own ability to repair situations, and rather relies on my ability to just “figure everything out”. Deep down I know that it is of no use, but alas, this habits keep me sane.

Even though this is what I feel, I do hope for better things and try to break off this habit. Although I have been unsuccessful, the quest to be more accepting of love, and giving more love to people is ongoing and is likely to be continued for a long time. How do you guys manage?