Note: I wrote this on 19/07/2026 after being tired from life.

I’m a liar when I say everything is going good, because my definition of good has slowly being levelled down from some time. I don’t talk about these things and that both keeps me sane but at the same time eats me alive. I have 1000 other problems that I’m trying to deal on my own and barely making it through. I’ve been on survival mode for long enough to know that this is not the right way to live.

Life has been inherently hard for me maybe because I don’t live it fully, but what about when I tried to do so? what about when I reached out from inside that things needed change? what about when I said “this is it”? what about when I tried to bring the exact change I want to see in other people and what about when I cut myself some slack? - how did that turn out? I’m not really an optimistic/pessimist but a realist who knows how to connect dots. You know however much I have tried to counter this with love - however much love I have poured into this hate, at some point it got to me and that’s when I emptied myself. I have so much capacity and ability to live life as it is meant to be, but how much more is going to be stripped away from me in this process? Why is it always more challenges and less of peace?

“Life meets you at the level of your audacity” - well then why is it not meeting it for me? It is not that I have not been ambitious, or that I’ve not been working towards to acheive it? Everytime I’ve set my sight on something I want, the universe makes sure even for the simplest of things the path is inherently harder. The more I pour myself to counter that with genuine curiosity and hard work, the stronger the path becomes - and the outcome at the end of it is usually I don’t make it, or that in the process of it I just don’t have an explanation to make me understand why did I love doing it. It becomes even harder for me to tell myself why I don’t enjoy it anymore when the things I want are basic things every human needs. These things alone has stripped me away from things I’ve loved, cherished and taken care of. No love, however brief is ever wasted, but that doesn’t mean it is to be disrespected. From where I’ll get the strength to get up and pour myself again when I’ve emptied myself a long ago in the process? It is utter ignominy, yet I smile and don’t give up.

So, when I look around and try to feel sonder - to feel that life is equally complicated for people around me, I don’t get it. I don’t get why this unique experience is unique to just me. We are all part of this celebration of life, but why is mine always ruined and leaves me with a bitter taste about myself.